Can't sleep?... neither can I.

Since last I wrote, life seems to be swinging like a pendulum. Or shifting like continental plates. Or how about hanging at the ocean edge and a sneaker wave grabs me. Good, bad, indifferent... life lessons, all growing opportunities if my perspective is right... how often is it right?
HONESTY?

I need to collect my thoughts, so I may venture to write more without "freaking people out." (as my son so eloquently states it.)

'Til my thoughts are collected... PEACE, LOVE and MAZEL TOV!

funk and all that jazz

Terrible spaces of

anger

hurt

confusion

I put myself out there, only to feel left- figuratively. Just a whine session here, where I dare not spill it to anyone in particular, I spill it in "generalisms". Sure, probably doesn't say much for my state of mind, save that I'm confused, hurt and a touch of angry. Haven't said enough, I've said too much.

They say, "That's life!"
We're born into this world with no book of rules
Welcome to the hard knock school
They say, "That's life!"
- Parlotones

Summary

Felt like writing some profound words this morning, only to say... yeah, not so much. I have thought of and mulled over my dream from last night, only to come to one thought... God knows, He cares and I didn't even have to utter one word.

Just sharing and nothing more.

I had a dream last night. Not a spectacular dream. Not a scary dream. A sad dream. I was in church, listening to Pastor Ken's sermon. Twas relevant and I was appreciative, but it wasn't the penetrating kind, until his eyes swelled with tears and he looked directly at me. He looked at me with his heart searching, concerned eyes and said "yes, Elizabeth, I am speaking to you. I know. You feel at times your life is worth nothing, you feel you are worthless, and you want to take your own life. You don't know your importance. My heart aches for you." I've always saw PK as a father figure, I look to him as I had looked to my own father as a child. I felt as a lost child that was noticed in that very moment.

Dave woke me up.

That's something to ponder, eh? I'll share in this blog that I have these spells when Dave looks at me funny then asks "Are you okay, are you angry with me?" Usually when he asks my face has an odd cast to it. I have just had a flash of something, a picture if you will, the thought of a razor or a swan dive off a bridge into undisturbed water... these aren't something I conger up, but literally something that pops in my head and when Dave crosses that look, it's me being annoyed and trying to rid myself of such a thought. Yes, I am a depressed creature during these funky fall months, but I don't think I could do such a thing, why do these annoyances infiltrate my mind???!!!

On the day before my birthday some dear friends surprised me with a dinner. There was a pause in our conversation and was asked what I anticipated for the up coming year... my answer... to be mentally healthy. The tears came.

Halo
Remember those walls I built
Well, baby they're tumbling down
And they didn't even put up a fight
They didn't even make up a sound

I found a way to let you in
But I never really had a doubt
Standing in the light of your halo
I got my angel now

It's like I've been awakened
Every rule I had you breakin'
It's the risk that I'm takin'
I ain't never gonna shut you out

Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace

You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won't fade away

Hit me like a ray of sun
Burning through my darkest night
You're the only one that I want
Think I'm addicted to your light

I swore I'd never fall again
But this don't even feel like falling
Gravity can't forget
To pull me back to the ground again

Feels like I've been awakened
Every rule I had you breakin'
The risk that I'm takin'
I'm never gonna shut you out

Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace

You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won't fade away

Time of Your Life Another turning point; a fork stuck in the road. Time grabs you by the wrist; directs you where to go. So make the best of this test and don't ask why. It's not a question but a lesson learned in time. It's something unpredictable but in the end it's right. I hope you had the time of your life. So take the photographs and still frames in your mind. Hang it on a shelf In good health and good time. Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial. For what it's worth, it was worth all the while. It's something unpredictable but in the end it's right. I hope you had the time of your life.

another dream

Had a crazy dream last night...

I was living in a house where there was so much chaos. People fighting, coming and going, there were floods and earthquakes going on outside. Inside the house were so many people living, really hard to say who all was there. I was in my bedroom when this little knock came upon my door. Someone asked who it was and the small voice answered... "This is Jimmy". In strode a boy with platinum blond hair and little chubby cheeks... he couldn't have been more than four or five. He came in holding 5 grubby photos in his hand. I knew him (but really I don't). He was obviously upset and had been crying trying to figure something out.

I was pleading with him to tell me what was wrong. He said he was afraid. I asked about what and this is when he started showing me his photos. The first was essentially blank with a border. The second was just of him. The third was of him and his brother, when his brother was just an infant. The fourth was him holding his brother a little older than an infant. The fifth was of him and his brother playing a little older. He said... I'm afraid I'm losing my brother, I'm forgetting him. He started sobbing. He said, I know my brother is safe, but I miss him and I'm forgetting him. I cannot see his face or hear his voice anymore. He's gone and I'm here. We started weeping together. We had a conversation and I held him until I saw his countenance change and he had a grasp of what the truth of it all was.

I asked him if he'd be willing to share his truth with some peeps I loved dearly, he said yes. I lead him down the hallway. We stood together knocking on a very ornately carved heavy wood door. We heard laughter from the other side and someone said we could come in. There on the bed were Will and Joe... grown up and laughing and smashing each other in the face, messing around. They both sat up when we came in... they were still laughing, but then Joe's face became very serious, while Will was still smiling away.

I asked Jimmy to share... he said to them- "I was once afraid of losing my brother. He died yesterday. We were jumping on the bed when it happened and then he got hurt and all of a sudden he was gone. I was afraid I was going to lose him. To forget him, his voice, his laugh. I want him back now, but I know The God who brought the people out of Egypt, The God from the beginning of time... that is where he's at and I will be with him again."

I woke abruptly from this dream...

anger angry angrier

This has been quite the week... when is it that I decide I've had enough? I don't. I move on... but oh, the temptation just to throw that towel in. Boot straps? I have none. A painted smile? Hmmm... yeah, that washed away. I wonder what it is that short circuits in my brain? What is my malfunction? "It could be worse!" Yes, I know, but I really feel this crazy desire to run off, disappear, go running like some crazy woman screaming down the street. I want to smoosh a piece of pizza in my hands and hurl it at a wall. I want to go and get all tattooed and pierced. (OH, I did that already) I want to breathe without that breath hitching in my throat. I want my heart to beat without all of a sudden going into a frantic rhythm. Numb, numb would be easier... I guess I really don't want easier.

And then... I smile. I find a moment that has nothing to do with anything and I can breathe. I'm not overwhelmed and everything that I've committed to holds joy and purpose. I can see passed the whines, the cries, the stress, the homework, to do list and schedules, my own feelings of solitude/ insignificance/ unworthiness.

And do you know what this is??? This is the ranting of someone who has tried taking life into her own hands. This is a crap place to be... so now it is time to find the path that I wandered from. Lord, help me!!!

"A Quiet Mind" by Blue October

A Quiet Mind lyrics

A slow strangle with your feet on the floor
I've got 14 angels and we're sleeping alone
In the back of a cave, where the rest of us go
To feel normal

I call baby up. Leave me alone.
I'm in pain but I won't let you band-aid my wound
I'm mad at a stage where I can't seem to handle my own
I can't even handle mine

Give me a quiet mind and I...
I love you
You give me a quiet mind and I...
I love you
Until the end

Give me strength to be kind... To combine
All the good things in life that are so hard to find
But I have and I won't let them go like I do with my friends

Still hearing voices... From front... From behind
They're the reason I choose... When to live... How to die
When to cast... When to reel
When to buy... When to steal
When to fiend for the friends that taught you
Being inappropriate will

Give me a quiet mind and I...
I love you
You give me a quiet mind and I...
I love you
You give me
You always give me
I love you until the end

Chickadee Will

Several months back, I had wanted to have a tattoo done in memorial of my cousin, Will. Because I am quite aware of what a crap tattoo can be, I held off until something clicked, to the point when my appointment came round and I didn't "feel" what my artist had created, we worked on another piece and scheduled again a few months out. After, I had a dream of a chickadee, of which to my recollection I had never seen nor heard, and in my dream it was a representation of Will. I watched as the chickadee's feather blew softly in the wind and listened to it's sweet comforting call. When I woke, I knew that was it. My artist nailed it, and here my chickadee sits on my arm... A memorial to Will and reminder that God is always with me.

So, as I stated before, I had not seen nor heard any chickadees... Now, there is a chickadee that comes and sits on a branch of the tree that sits outside my kitchen window. He tends to show up when I am down. He does not chirp and does not have any company that I have seen and he only tends to stay for a few moments. Hmmm...

This weekend, Dave and I celebrated 17 years of marriage. There are many special moments we have shared together... this is one that I will rank way up there. Dave decided he wanted to go back to Wahtum Lake for our anniversary, to explore a different trail. We arrived just as night had descended, which meant pitch dark. Dave hiked down to the lake to see if there were any campsites left. There were not. He insisted on setting up the tent at a site near the parking lot... I asked him not to, he didn't listen. By the time he came back to the car (because he both set it up and tore it down- the ground had a crazy slope to it) I had fallen asleep upset. That was the end of our day. I woke up during the night to him snoring... by 6 am I was awake, cold, annoyed and had to pee like none other. This didn't seem like it was going to be a great day. I kept talking myself (internally) off the edge of being really bitchy. We fell asleep on and off for the next couple of hours- in which every 15 minutes I was either awakened by his snoring or he was jolting upright because of some noise outside. By 9 am I was done being mad and moved on and we geared up to hike.

The trails were beautiful. An overcast day, not too windy and no one on the trails. They were quiet trails, the only sounds were from us and the occasional chipmunk or grey squirrel. We headed out towards Eagle Creek. There was a point, about an hour in, where all of a sudden the air changed. Yes, I mean the air changed. I have never breathed in a more pure smelling and feeling air than this. I turned to Dave and made a comment about it, he noticed it as well. A moment later my eyes focused on a small maple tree, which seemed out of it's element (we're surrounded by pine and brush and moss covered rocks). Then out of no where, like the one on my arm, a chickadee flies down from a branch, looks directly at me and sings "chicka-dee-dee-dee". I looked at Dave and looked back at the bird. He called again then flew up to the branches in a nearby pine. The pure air breeze blew again, then all of them started taking turns calling and flitting around... to our surprise, there were some 30 chickadees up in that tree. A God given moment, what else do you call it??? It didn't last long, maybe a couple of minutes at most and a stretch of maybe 10 feet, but it brought tears to my eyes and silenced the both of us for quite some time.

The hiked continued in it's splendor. On our return, I stopped to look for that point again, the trees were still there, but "it" was gone- the air, the birds. I was not disappointed, but thankful for those couple of moments. Dave had asked me what I was looking for, I told him... he already knew. We were about a 1/4 mi. away from our final destination when I spotted a yellow finch. As I watched his flight from across our path to another tree, there they were, the 30 or so chickadees calling and flitting about and the pure air, again. And as quickly as it came, it went. With raised eyebrows and smiles on our faces we ascended the stairs back to the car.

What does this all mean, I dunno. Does it mean anything to anyone else, I doubt it. What I know, I know that God speaks to each of us in His own way. I was glad that Dave could share it with me, to see my moment with God how I see it.

Rest or Ride
Abide
within this dwelling place
resides a life designed
In the image which
is He who created.

On my own
is a choice
my own voice.
Never coerced
nor rehearsed
I am free.

Now to my knees
I humbly bow
How contrite and broken
words barely spoken
I need You and You
alone.

Has a month really flown by?

The great struggle with depression remains. I feel sorry for those around me, for those who have to deal with my ridiculous highs and lows. I'm learning to contain it, to battle the onslaught within my own mind. Unfortunately, I don't think this is healthy... but whatever. As of late, it has been interesting those who've come back around into our lives, to discover things have changed. I guess I am surprised at the general attitude of disbelief that things change. FUNNY. Do you assume things stay the same? That people don't grow or are not touched by events that occur around them. Even through all of this, I wish people the best. I hope they find the extraordinary life they are meant to live. Whether I am in it or not... I do wish all the best, all the love God has for them to embrace it and to pour it out to others so they may find the same. Peace.

I will bless the Lord forever
I will trust Him at all times
He has delivered me from all fear
He has set my feet upon a rock
I will not be moved
And I'll say of the Lord

You are my shield, my strength
My portion, deliverer
My shelter, strong tower
My very present help in time of need

Whom have I in heaven but You
There's none I desire beside You
You have made me glad
And I'll say of the Lord

You are my shield, my strength
My portion, deliverer
My shelter, strong tower
My very present help in time of need

Just remembered this crazy thought.

As I was thumbing through photos, I was reminded how my brother and I look very much like siblings... yeah, duh, we're siblings, but I sway towards looking more like him than Nan. I focus on my sis and she has some of the similarities, but there's a distinct difference (making her very beautifully alienesque). The thought I had, sent a feeling of uncertainty for a brief moment and I wonder that I made it through those lovely formative teenage years!? Only by God's will did that happen!!!

I seriously contemplated myself, who I was. I liked wearing "boy" clothes, I looked a lot like Phil, I didn't have a dating kind of boyfriend... did I want to have relationships with females because of these two preferences I had? was I a lesbian? Mom used to ask me if I was- probably would have been an easier answer than having to deal with a teenager (believe me, it wasn't long after that that I met Dave and shut that question down.) :)

I find it sickeningly funny how one thought, question in our mind can send us into a tailspin. Make us question the whole foundation upon which we stand.

These reminders make me a tad more empathetic for those who make all sorts of decisions I cannot understand. I think most pointedly... I'm not Judge, I can have my feelings and opinions, but ultimately it's God's arena and I'll come around. The question is -what choice will I make.?

dreaming to the point of exhaustion and seeing heros.

I have been plagued by emotionally intense dreams for over 2 weeks now. I have to drill my fingers into my jaw to undo the tension every morning. From laughing hysteria to my own death to the loss of people to traveling and parties and funerals... these dreams keep coming. They could really stop and give me a good nights rest.

Thinking about Grama... again. Remembering being told that Grama was going to live in a senior community living center. Being out of the home and then out of state for so long made it surreal- never pictured her in that environment. Trying to talk with her on the phone... being that I'm not a phone person anyway, was interesting. Sometimes as scattered as seeds in the wind, I was never certain whether or not she realized it was me. As time wore on the conversations became shorter and shorter. In the brief interludes I had with her during my MI visits, I could sense both her frustration and courage to be where she was.

It's strange, that I grew up partially under her authority and yet I have felt/feel so far removed. I didn't see her last days. I wasn't there for her when the road became rough. I never heard Grama resolve her determination that "I'm not going until the rapture comes!". This woman of authority in my life disappeared or I should say that is how it feels. I remember coming to the point where all I could do was sing to God for her. Lift my hands and sing.


Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I'm caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won't turn back
I know you are near

And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?

Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We'll live to know You here on the earth

Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You



She ran a long hard race. She did not quit. She loved, she suffered loss, she battled for the salvation of loved ones, she let everyone know "Jesus loves you". :) "Did you know that Jesus loves you?!?!?!" I cannot remember how many times those words came pouring out of her lips. Umpteen bazillion... I think that would cover it. A hero...

dream a little dream

So my third dream in a row, this week, came Friday night. The essence of it... Jesus decided to take me home before the complete demise of my faith.

We were walking the streets of some large city while someone was talking about a death they thought was going to occur of some girl they did not know. Whom ever was speaking said that the girl was killed after she was hit by a truck. At that point in time the group of us spread out on the sidewalk, so I stepped off the curb. A pickup truck backed up and hit me, it's tail pipe wedged into my heart before it pulled forward and drove off. I watched myself as I stood up and walked off and realized I was dying. I was dead. I looked over to Christ clung to Him and told Him "thank you!" -for bringing me home before I destroyed my relationship with Him. I was truly at peace and grateful that He chose that moment. I was glad.

Could you put it on DVD?

Okay... so my dream had me in such a laughing fit when I woke I had tears on my face and my stomach still hurt. Not that it will do my dream justice, but here it goes... to the best of my ability. I hope you can picture this!!!

I'm on a plane coming home from Japan, everyone is chattering. Mom is sitting next to me, Aunt JoAnn is across the aisle as is Joe. Audrey is somewhere towards the back of the plane and Sue is standing in front of me. Joe leans over and says "Hey Liz, you've got to look at this video I had taped..." "O.K." He flips the screen on a camcorder so I could see it and hit play. I could already hear Joe and Audrey giggling as the video began.

The scene is a bunch of Navy officers in their full dress (stark white, creased uniforms, medals, hats, spit shined shoes- get the picture?) standing in some great hall to perform for family and they look awesome. I see Joe standing towards the left side of the rank, slightly obscured by the rest of the men -looking rather suave. They begin this drill cadence type routine, marching and moving their lines without a single person stepping out. They look very serious with these immaculate lines. The drums are going and they are keeping time. These are experienced Navy men, very proud. All of a sudden the company comes to a halt, except Joe... he's still marching, until he is standing between two lines that are facing one another. He then begins to do a high kick step and clapping (think cheerleader) in a Steve Martinish (from dirty rotten scoundrels)sorta way.

The drill begins again. The group heads towards the Navy flag that is hanging on a pole. Next to it is another flag that is wrapped around something. They unravel that flag and there's Will with a huge smile on his face... standing there in dark wash jeans and a charcoal t-shirt, mohawk in full effect. Meanwhile the company has taken the flag and they get into a formation similar to one at the funeral of a serviceman, when they fold the flag. The flag is then pulled taunt and Will jumps on, full length stretched out face up and smiling huge. The men then fling him into the air so high he bangs his head into one of those paneled ceilings. He hits it hard enough that a couple of tiles get knocked out and because of this his feet become lower than his head. He falls feet first back onto the flag then falls face forward onto the ground, smacks his face, and while laughing begins to do push ups. (Joe is continuing his high step clap and is laughing hysterically.) The audience gives a standing ovation. The video stops.

I was laughing so hard I was doubled over, crying and trying to catch my breath. After I could speak, I looked over at Joe and asked him if he could record it onto DVD and send it to me.

I woke up. Took me a couple of seconds to resume normal breathing and realize that it was a dream, not real.

Thoughts, just thoughts.

I am missing Grama right now. The feisty Frances Hughes of old. The one that would yell one minute and insist on a hug the next. The Grama who had enough patience to teach montessori school, but couldn't stand the sound of children shuffling of feet. The one who would want you to sit and watch Wheel of Fortune with her only so she could be completely irritated with you if you beat her to the punchline. The one who would embarrass you like none other and then encourage you in your walk with Christ.

I've been thinking of prayer lately. and when I say lately... I really mean the last few years. Prayer is an amazing thing, answered or not. Makes me think about how God works differently with each person, unique as each relationship is. I've been thinking about how He compels me to pray with people. Makes my heart race with excitement, I'm sure my ears turn red, or at least they feel like they do, feel pretty much like the biggest yahoo and then I approach whomever it is. I ask if I may pray with said person(s), don't think I've ever been turned down. After all is said and done... there's a peace (for me anyway). God's peace.

When it comes down to it... I never stopped to consider that God may be using me in this capacity. Like my cooking for NS- which is self evident, is this another expression of Him? So often, in my lows, I wonder how He can use me. What do I have to offer when I'm such an incredible mess? When it comes down to it, no matter a mess or not, my heart truly is His... and He can use this dysfunctional being. hmmmmm.....

Caught in mid-breath

Had a moment this week that kind of surprised me! Usually, when feeling down/ depressed, I know it, I recognize and give name to what it is, being able to combat it. Not this time, someone actually had to point it out to me. I thought I had walked through to the not as dark side of the funk... guess maybe not so much. Makes you stop and say "hmmmmm....."

do you hear the sound? laughter of an insomniac

what's funny at nearly 2 a.m.? Everything and nothing at all. Singing and sewing, that's what I've been at for the last few hours. Creativity comes to me during these hours. I unleash the fury of every stray emotion into my singing and designing. It is therapy, the cheap kind.

And so, the laughter comes. Not a light, "haha!", but a severe, inwardly directed "HA!". My Mom used to say to me... "Elizabeth, nothing ever good comes in the darkness." I'm thinking, I cannot allow such black and white thoughts. For if darkness did not exist, how would we see the light? Where am I going with this... I dunno, this is the ramblings of an insomniac lunatic. I can say, I appreciate the light, but perhaps, maybe it is- that when my eyes become acclimated my appreciation diminishes and that's when night sets in... to remind me. Appreciate the light.

Me, myself, I

Me, myself, I- self gratification. Is this what it is all about? I wish it were that I lived life completely different from this statement, but I often think of myself over others. Not a good place to be and I try to fight it- with God's help there is a measure of success, but how easy it is to fall into what society is nowadays.

I ran into an exercise acquaintance of mine... her family moved here from the midwest/eastcoast a few years back. They have a son Gabriel's age. I haven't seen her for the better part of 9 months- ran into her at the boys' swim lessons. She was sitting with her family when we noticed one another. I went over to speak with her and was having a great conversation and then she introduces me "Liz, I would like you to meet my ex." I was a little surprised. "Just wasn't working out. We both wanted different things. You can't control what the other does." These were her explanation statements. All I could say was "Wow, I'm so sorry, (quietly)how's your son dealing with this?" She used no words, but her face and the thumbs down signal said it all. She explained to me that her and the ex were doing all they could to keep it "normal". I just wanted to laugh (in anger) shake her around a bit and scream "what are you thinking???!!!" "There will be no normal, can you not see what a f*** up I am?"

There came no words of wisdom, only a sense of mourning for her and her son and her ex. An overwhelming sadness. I tried to encourage her, just keep loving your boy. Be there for him. She's now working full time, going to school full time and trying to manage the household on her own. This is keeping it normal. I shared with her how not easy relationships are, but worth the fight. Worth the work. I have to remind myself of this when I go through my funks.

All of this reminded me of how selfish I can be. How I'd really like to shed that attribute and don on God's redeeming grace, but I find myself in a corner getting clobbered once again by the onslaught of the enemy. Lord, call a TKO sometime soon!