what's funny at nearly 2 a.m.? Everything and nothing at all. Singing and sewing, that's what I've been at for the last few hours. Creativity comes to me during these hours. I unleash the fury of every stray emotion into my singing and designing. It is therapy, the cheap kind.
And so, the laughter comes. Not a light, "haha!", but a severe, inwardly directed "HA!". My Mom used to say to me... "Elizabeth, nothing ever good comes in the darkness." I'm thinking, I cannot allow such black and white thoughts. For if darkness did not exist, how would we see the light? Where am I going with this... I dunno, this is the ramblings of an insomniac lunatic. I can say, I appreciate the light, but perhaps, maybe it is- that when my eyes become acclimated my appreciation diminishes and that's when night sets in... to remind me. Appreciate the light.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Me, myself, I
Me, myself, I- self gratification. Is this what it is all about? I wish it were that I lived life completely different from this statement, but I often think of myself over others. Not a good place to be and I try to fight it- with God's help there is a measure of success, but how easy it is to fall into what society is nowadays.
I ran into an exercise acquaintance of mine... her family moved here from the midwest/eastcoast a few years back. They have a son Gabriel's age. I haven't seen her for the better part of 9 months- ran into her at the boys' swim lessons. She was sitting with her family when we noticed one another. I went over to speak with her and was having a great conversation and then she introduces me "Liz, I would like you to meet my ex." I was a little surprised. "Just wasn't working out. We both wanted different things. You can't control what the other does." These were her explanation statements. All I could say was "Wow, I'm so sorry, (quietly)how's your son dealing with this?" She used no words, but her face and the thumbs down signal said it all. She explained to me that her and the ex were doing all they could to keep it "normal". I just wanted to laugh (in anger) shake her around a bit and scream "what are you thinking???!!!" "There will be no normal, can you not see what a f*** up I am?"
There came no words of wisdom, only a sense of mourning for her and her son and her ex. An overwhelming sadness. I tried to encourage her, just keep loving your boy. Be there for him. She's now working full time, going to school full time and trying to manage the household on her own. This is keeping it normal. I shared with her how not easy relationships are, but worth the fight. Worth the work. I have to remind myself of this when I go through my funks.
All of this reminded me of how selfish I can be. How I'd really like to shed that attribute and don on God's redeeming grace, but I find myself in a corner getting clobbered once again by the onslaught of the enemy. Lord, call a TKO sometime soon!
I ran into an exercise acquaintance of mine... her family moved here from the midwest/eastcoast a few years back. They have a son Gabriel's age. I haven't seen her for the better part of 9 months- ran into her at the boys' swim lessons. She was sitting with her family when we noticed one another. I went over to speak with her and was having a great conversation and then she introduces me "Liz, I would like you to meet my ex." I was a little surprised. "Just wasn't working out. We both wanted different things. You can't control what the other does." These were her explanation statements. All I could say was "Wow, I'm so sorry, (quietly)how's your son dealing with this?" She used no words, but her face and the thumbs down signal said it all. She explained to me that her and the ex were doing all they could to keep it "normal". I just wanted to laugh (in anger) shake her around a bit and scream "what are you thinking???!!!" "There will be no normal, can you not see what a f*** up I am?"
There came no words of wisdom, only a sense of mourning for her and her son and her ex. An overwhelming sadness. I tried to encourage her, just keep loving your boy. Be there for him. She's now working full time, going to school full time and trying to manage the household on her own. This is keeping it normal. I shared with her how not easy relationships are, but worth the fight. Worth the work. I have to remind myself of this when I go through my funks.
All of this reminded me of how selfish I can be. How I'd really like to shed that attribute and don on God's redeeming grace, but I find myself in a corner getting clobbered once again by the onslaught of the enemy. Lord, call a TKO sometime soon!
Monday, April 12, 2010
Who's throwing stones?
I hope it wasn't me. I don't have the right. All around me I see stones being thrown. I undoubtedly have thrown a few myself, but not right now. I walk by proverbial mirrors, um... the person, the reflection- I want to see Christ, but often I see my own sorry self. Hideous, that's what I see. How can He see beautiful. How can He want and cherish this person. I can extend that grace to so many, but I know my thought life, I know who I am and sometimes it seems so far fetched.
That's been on my mind a lot. I say it to many peeps- when they ask about Night Strike, I seem to often come to the point that we are only a step away from where the guests of NS are. 'Tis not difficult to connect those dots. One mistake. One poor decision. One moment of being at the wrong place at the right time and you're there. Not always does it lead to divorce, separation, homelessness or poverty, but it can sure rock one's world. So many media stories about celebrities and their hidden pasts and presents. Dare to look internally and say issues do not exist... Um, I think I'd rather look for my own phone poles to remove than someone else's splinter.
That's been on my mind a lot. I say it to many peeps- when they ask about Night Strike, I seem to often come to the point that we are only a step away from where the guests of NS are. 'Tis not difficult to connect those dots. One mistake. One poor decision. One moment of being at the wrong place at the right time and you're there. Not always does it lead to divorce, separation, homelessness or poverty, but it can sure rock one's world. So many media stories about celebrities and their hidden pasts and presents. Dare to look internally and say issues do not exist... Um, I think I'd rather look for my own phone poles to remove than someone else's splinter.
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