I had a dream last night. Not a spectacular dream. Not a scary dream. A sad dream. I was in church, listening to Pastor Ken's sermon. Twas relevant and I was appreciative, but it wasn't the penetrating kind, until his eyes swelled with tears and he looked directly at me. He looked at me with his heart searching, concerned eyes and said "yes, Elizabeth, I am speaking to you. I know. You feel at times your life is worth nothing, you feel you are worthless, and you want to take your own life. You don't know your importance. My heart aches for you." I've always saw PK as a father figure, I look to him as I had looked to my own father as a child. I felt as a lost child that was noticed in that very moment.
Dave woke me up.
That's something to ponder, eh? I'll share in this blog that I have these spells when Dave looks at me funny then asks "Are you okay, are you angry with me?" Usually when he asks my face has an odd cast to it. I have just had a flash of something, a picture if you will, the thought of a razor or a swan dive off a bridge into undisturbed water... these aren't something I conger up, but literally something that pops in my head and when Dave crosses that look, it's me being annoyed and trying to rid myself of such a thought. Yes, I am a depressed creature during these funky fall months, but I don't think I could do such a thing, why do these annoyances infiltrate my mind???!!!
On the day before my birthday some dear friends surprised me with a dinner. There was a pause in our conversation and was asked what I anticipated for the up coming year... my answer... to be mentally healthy. The tears came.
Halo
Remember those walls I built
Well, baby they're tumbling down
And they didn't even put up a fight
They didn't even make up a sound
I found a way to let you in
But I never really had a doubt
Standing in the light of your halo
I got my angel now
It's like I've been awakened
Every rule I had you breakin'
It's the risk that I'm takin'
I ain't never gonna shut you out
Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace
You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won't fade away
Hit me like a ray of sun
Burning through my darkest night
You're the only one that I want
Think I'm addicted to your light
I swore I'd never fall again
But this don't even feel like falling
Gravity can't forget
To pull me back to the ground again
Feels like I've been awakened
Every rule I had you breakin'
The risk that I'm takin'
I'm never gonna shut you out
Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace
You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won't fade away
I've known you. But now I think I've never really known you. Brave and wonderful. That's how I see you. Looking forward to hearing more from you.
ReplyDeleteI love you Liz and can relate to you. Those are the only words I have. I have nothing more to offer. Just love and prayer.
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