Shall we continue? So, yes, failing 4th grade... didn't leave one feeling pleased. I tried to hide it, but come now, how successful do you think that was? I missed my Dad. Missed my Mom, she worked what seemed to be many hours. Didn't feel like I fit in the new neighborhood, school and even the old church. There was really no place that felt like home. The good thing, I had my cousins. During this period was the first time I stole from a store. If I remember correctly, it was a super small journal with a lock on it, from Kmart of all places. My Mom busted me and took me back. That sucked, and I was scared, but it was the most attention I had received from her in some time. Boy was she pissed at me! Life was rough for everyone all around, this much I know. Those feelings reigned supreme. Unhappy 101.

I don't know when it happened, but we eventually moved in with Grama into a new home. Yes, My Mom and Dad's Mom moved in together. My Mom, sister, brother, me and Grama. Was there anyone excited about that move? Not that I'm aware of, but for me I was giddy with the idea that there would be someone around when I was home and I think it addressed some problems that were out there, but above my head at the time. What more is there to say, but I was moved into a home with a Japanese mother who gave the silent treatment, a German Grama who yelled until her point was made and then smiled, a sister I looked up to who just wanted to be out of the mess, and a very cool, but never could do anything wrong brother. And me, an awkward, ugly preteen girl. There was the internal battle of loving devotion for my own Mom and the want to be love towards my step mom at the time. That was tough. In the end, I think Joyce truly hated me, or at least the fact that I existed was highly unwanted. There was no win for anyone there, but a keen development that I was for certain unattractive if not down right hideous to lay eyes upon. Loved waking up at o-dark hundred to read the Word, cleaning every Saturday before I could think about stepping out of the house. No, I didn't really love it. Watched tons of Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune, and thank goodness for MacGyver- there was one escape I could make. haha! Eventually my sister married and moved out. We didn't have a relationship at the time, so really it was just another shift in life. We were able to switch rooms around, that was the boon. There's so much that happened during this time, but the feeling that prevailed was alone, awkward, unwanted, outcast, ugly. At some point in time I learned I had a younger brother, cute blond and cheeky. I thought he was neat and he was the first chance I had to play the role of big sister. Still, like any other older sibling, there was some jealousy that not only did I lose so many other things, my position in life had shifted. I was no longer the baby, just pushed off to be unclaimed.