do you hear the sound? laughter of an insomniac

what's funny at nearly 2 a.m.? Everything and nothing at all. Singing and sewing, that's what I've been at for the last few hours. Creativity comes to me during these hours. I unleash the fury of every stray emotion into my singing and designing. It is therapy, the cheap kind.

And so, the laughter comes. Not a light, "haha!", but a severe, inwardly directed "HA!". My Mom used to say to me... "Elizabeth, nothing ever good comes in the darkness." I'm thinking, I cannot allow such black and white thoughts. For if darkness did not exist, how would we see the light? Where am I going with this... I dunno, this is the ramblings of an insomniac lunatic. I can say, I appreciate the light, but perhaps, maybe it is- that when my eyes become acclimated my appreciation diminishes and that's when night sets in... to remind me. Appreciate the light.

Me, myself, I

Me, myself, I- self gratification. Is this what it is all about? I wish it were that I lived life completely different from this statement, but I often think of myself over others. Not a good place to be and I try to fight it- with God's help there is a measure of success, but how easy it is to fall into what society is nowadays.

I ran into an exercise acquaintance of mine... her family moved here from the midwest/eastcoast a few years back. They have a son Gabriel's age. I haven't seen her for the better part of 9 months- ran into her at the boys' swim lessons. She was sitting with her family when we noticed one another. I went over to speak with her and was having a great conversation and then she introduces me "Liz, I would like you to meet my ex." I was a little surprised. "Just wasn't working out. We both wanted different things. You can't control what the other does." These were her explanation statements. All I could say was "Wow, I'm so sorry, (quietly)how's your son dealing with this?" She used no words, but her face and the thumbs down signal said it all. She explained to me that her and the ex were doing all they could to keep it "normal". I just wanted to laugh (in anger) shake her around a bit and scream "what are you thinking???!!!" "There will be no normal, can you not see what a f*** up I am?"

There came no words of wisdom, only a sense of mourning for her and her son and her ex. An overwhelming sadness. I tried to encourage her, just keep loving your boy. Be there for him. She's now working full time, going to school full time and trying to manage the household on her own. This is keeping it normal. I shared with her how not easy relationships are, but worth the fight. Worth the work. I have to remind myself of this when I go through my funks.

All of this reminded me of how selfish I can be. How I'd really like to shed that attribute and don on God's redeeming grace, but I find myself in a corner getting clobbered once again by the onslaught of the enemy. Lord, call a TKO sometime soon!

Who's throwing stones?

I hope it wasn't me. I don't have the right. All around me I see stones being thrown. I undoubtedly have thrown a few myself, but not right now. I walk by proverbial mirrors, um... the person, the reflection- I want to see Christ, but often I see my own sorry self. Hideous, that's what I see. How can He see beautiful. How can He want and cherish this person. I can extend that grace to so many, but I know my thought life, I know who I am and sometimes it seems so far fetched.

That's been on my mind a lot. I say it to many peeps- when they ask about Night Strike, I seem to often come to the point that we are only a step away from where the guests of NS are. 'Tis not difficult to connect those dots. One mistake. One poor decision. One moment of being at the wrong place at the right time and you're there. Not always does it lead to divorce, separation, homelessness or poverty, but it can sure rock one's world. So many media stories about celebrities and their hidden pasts and presents. Dare to look internally and say issues do not exist... Um, I think I'd rather look for my own phone poles to remove than someone else's splinter.

Referee- God, who is the ultimate in clever. Corner #1- Me, blind. Corner #2- the enemy who plays the same 'ol tricks- pretty lame. I fall for the old tricks, what does that say about me.? Prayerfully I draw near to God, I call out to Him, flailing my arms all over the place trying to get His attention... all the while He knows, I'm just oblivious because He's so clever. And then T.K.O.!!!! He's watching out for me. Knows when I've had enough and knows when I can continue to fight. I am not defeated, I am not retired and I won't hang up these gloves until I'm home.

Still pondering my past. Still figuring how to continue this journey- blog about my past. I am in pause mode, while God uses what has come up to do what it is He needs to do. Sometimes I am privileged to see a glimpse and other times I have to hold on to His hand, continue to have Him guide me. I am so glad that God does not tire of me as I do.

I think I have met some of the coolest people in my life thus far... the amazing thing is, they often come in small packages. These little people God has put in my life have had the ability to teach me profound lessons, bring me to my knees in tears, humble me greatly... lead me to where God is waiting just for me.

Today we had a conference at school for Josiah. I've been concerned about his learning- he has never been a performer, he's a boy that does things at his own pace when he feels like it for no one else but himself when the time is right. This has held true for walking, talking, potty training, giving his heart to the Lord and everything else in between. I'm sure it will be the same for academics. We have had times where we've heard of teacher concerns about his reading and math skills. I have had phone calls about periods of misbehavior. I cannot force him to learn, for out of that comes frustration for him and my learning of patience, which I do not like to learn anymore about than necessary... if you catch my drift. With this I have tried to be at peace with this subject matter and confirmation came today when we were told he has made huge strides over the last month and the teachers feel relatively confident that he will be where he needs to be by the end of this year. Josiah is so very full of life, never misses a beat and if you give him half a chance he will melt your heart like none other and give you the inspiration to be true, to yourself and to others. I find that most of the children I come into contact are very real. I love my friends children- from sincere to sassy, they are all dear and precious to my heart.

So, my thought... for as much as I say that I "love" these children, I am in awe for the LOVE that God has, for it is real and it is perfect... His love for us.

Are certain people born with the innate ability to say "no" or able to stand up and prevent things from happening? While others are left speechless/ so stunned that they do nothing? Is this response nature or nurture? I wonder how that works. To this day I still find myself having to rewind and revisit situations because I did not do what I was supposed to or responded differently than I should have, returning humbly and asking forgiveness to set back on the right path.

I've been watching my daughter this last year... remembering how much had already happened in my life by the age of 13. For this I am both relieved and hypersensitive to her being "special needs". I'm quite sure I would not be in my right mind if I ever found out that she was coming close to walking the path I walked. Have I given her the tools she needs? But even if the tools are adequate, I cannot fill the shoes of a good friend and this concerns me. I can only rely on Christ to provide what she needs, whether I see it or not.

I am sitting here pondering how I am going to proceed with a condensed version of my life. I'm realizing fundamental parts are long, drawn out and or are rather sickening/perverted. In other words, these events shouldn't have happened, they are not right, but they are part of my life and part of who I am. They are part of what has shaped me. God has saved me from much, forgiven me of much... I lift my eyes unto the hills.

What everyone needs... love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. and more love.