I will bless the Lord forever
I will trust Him at all times
He has delivered me from all fear
He has set my feet upon a rock
I will not be moved
And I'll say of the Lord

You are my shield, my strength
My portion, deliverer
My shelter, strong tower
My very present help in time of need

Whom have I in heaven but You
There's none I desire beside You
You have made me glad
And I'll say of the Lord

You are my shield, my strength
My portion, deliverer
My shelter, strong tower
My very present help in time of need

Just remembered this crazy thought.

As I was thumbing through photos, I was reminded how my brother and I look very much like siblings... yeah, duh, we're siblings, but I sway towards looking more like him than Nan. I focus on my sis and she has some of the similarities, but there's a distinct difference (making her very beautifully alienesque). The thought I had, sent a feeling of uncertainty for a brief moment and I wonder that I made it through those lovely formative teenage years!? Only by God's will did that happen!!!

I seriously contemplated myself, who I was. I liked wearing "boy" clothes, I looked a lot like Phil, I didn't have a dating kind of boyfriend... did I want to have relationships with females because of these two preferences I had? was I a lesbian? Mom used to ask me if I was- probably would have been an easier answer than having to deal with a teenager (believe me, it wasn't long after that that I met Dave and shut that question down.) :)

I find it sickeningly funny how one thought, question in our mind can send us into a tailspin. Make us question the whole foundation upon which we stand.

These reminders make me a tad more empathetic for those who make all sorts of decisions I cannot understand. I think most pointedly... I'm not Judge, I can have my feelings and opinions, but ultimately it's God's arena and I'll come around. The question is -what choice will I make.?

dreaming to the point of exhaustion and seeing heros.

I have been plagued by emotionally intense dreams for over 2 weeks now. I have to drill my fingers into my jaw to undo the tension every morning. From laughing hysteria to my own death to the loss of people to traveling and parties and funerals... these dreams keep coming. They could really stop and give me a good nights rest.

Thinking about Grama... again. Remembering being told that Grama was going to live in a senior community living center. Being out of the home and then out of state for so long made it surreal- never pictured her in that environment. Trying to talk with her on the phone... being that I'm not a phone person anyway, was interesting. Sometimes as scattered as seeds in the wind, I was never certain whether or not she realized it was me. As time wore on the conversations became shorter and shorter. In the brief interludes I had with her during my MI visits, I could sense both her frustration and courage to be where she was.

It's strange, that I grew up partially under her authority and yet I have felt/feel so far removed. I didn't see her last days. I wasn't there for her when the road became rough. I never heard Grama resolve her determination that "I'm not going until the rapture comes!". This woman of authority in my life disappeared or I should say that is how it feels. I remember coming to the point where all I could do was sing to God for her. Lift my hands and sing.


Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I'm caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won't turn back
I know you are near

And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?

Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We'll live to know You here on the earth

Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You



She ran a long hard race. She did not quit. She loved, she suffered loss, she battled for the salvation of loved ones, she let everyone know "Jesus loves you". :) "Did you know that Jesus loves you?!?!?!" I cannot remember how many times those words came pouring out of her lips. Umpteen bazillion... I think that would cover it. A hero...

dream a little dream

So my third dream in a row, this week, came Friday night. The essence of it... Jesus decided to take me home before the complete demise of my faith.

We were walking the streets of some large city while someone was talking about a death they thought was going to occur of some girl they did not know. Whom ever was speaking said that the girl was killed after she was hit by a truck. At that point in time the group of us spread out on the sidewalk, so I stepped off the curb. A pickup truck backed up and hit me, it's tail pipe wedged into my heart before it pulled forward and drove off. I watched myself as I stood up and walked off and realized I was dying. I was dead. I looked over to Christ clung to Him and told Him "thank you!" -for bringing me home before I destroyed my relationship with Him. I was truly at peace and grateful that He chose that moment. I was glad.

Could you put it on DVD?

Okay... so my dream had me in such a laughing fit when I woke I had tears on my face and my stomach still hurt. Not that it will do my dream justice, but here it goes... to the best of my ability. I hope you can picture this!!!

I'm on a plane coming home from Japan, everyone is chattering. Mom is sitting next to me, Aunt JoAnn is across the aisle as is Joe. Audrey is somewhere towards the back of the plane and Sue is standing in front of me. Joe leans over and says "Hey Liz, you've got to look at this video I had taped..." "O.K." He flips the screen on a camcorder so I could see it and hit play. I could already hear Joe and Audrey giggling as the video began.

The scene is a bunch of Navy officers in their full dress (stark white, creased uniforms, medals, hats, spit shined shoes- get the picture?) standing in some great hall to perform for family and they look awesome. I see Joe standing towards the left side of the rank, slightly obscured by the rest of the men -looking rather suave. They begin this drill cadence type routine, marching and moving their lines without a single person stepping out. They look very serious with these immaculate lines. The drums are going and they are keeping time. These are experienced Navy men, very proud. All of a sudden the company comes to a halt, except Joe... he's still marching, until he is standing between two lines that are facing one another. He then begins to do a high kick step and clapping (think cheerleader) in a Steve Martinish (from dirty rotten scoundrels)sorta way.

The drill begins again. The group heads towards the Navy flag that is hanging on a pole. Next to it is another flag that is wrapped around something. They unravel that flag and there's Will with a huge smile on his face... standing there in dark wash jeans and a charcoal t-shirt, mohawk in full effect. Meanwhile the company has taken the flag and they get into a formation similar to one at the funeral of a serviceman, when they fold the flag. The flag is then pulled taunt and Will jumps on, full length stretched out face up and smiling huge. The men then fling him into the air so high he bangs his head into one of those paneled ceilings. He hits it hard enough that a couple of tiles get knocked out and because of this his feet become lower than his head. He falls feet first back onto the flag then falls face forward onto the ground, smacks his face, and while laughing begins to do push ups. (Joe is continuing his high step clap and is laughing hysterically.) The audience gives a standing ovation. The video stops.

I was laughing so hard I was doubled over, crying and trying to catch my breath. After I could speak, I looked over at Joe and asked him if he could record it onto DVD and send it to me.

I woke up. Took me a couple of seconds to resume normal breathing and realize that it was a dream, not real.

Thoughts, just thoughts.

I am missing Grama right now. The feisty Frances Hughes of old. The one that would yell one minute and insist on a hug the next. The Grama who had enough patience to teach montessori school, but couldn't stand the sound of children shuffling of feet. The one who would want you to sit and watch Wheel of Fortune with her only so she could be completely irritated with you if you beat her to the punchline. The one who would embarrass you like none other and then encourage you in your walk with Christ.

I've been thinking of prayer lately. and when I say lately... I really mean the last few years. Prayer is an amazing thing, answered or not. Makes me think about how God works differently with each person, unique as each relationship is. I've been thinking about how He compels me to pray with people. Makes my heart race with excitement, I'm sure my ears turn red, or at least they feel like they do, feel pretty much like the biggest yahoo and then I approach whomever it is. I ask if I may pray with said person(s), don't think I've ever been turned down. After all is said and done... there's a peace (for me anyway). God's peace.

When it comes down to it... I never stopped to consider that God may be using me in this capacity. Like my cooking for NS- which is self evident, is this another expression of Him? So often, in my lows, I wonder how He can use me. What do I have to offer when I'm such an incredible mess? When it comes down to it, no matter a mess or not, my heart truly is His... and He can use this dysfunctional being. hmmmmm.....

Caught in mid-breath

Had a moment this week that kind of surprised me! Usually, when feeling down/ depressed, I know it, I recognize and give name to what it is, being able to combat it. Not this time, someone actually had to point it out to me. I thought I had walked through to the not as dark side of the funk... guess maybe not so much. Makes you stop and say "hmmmmm....."