Can't sleep?... neither can I.

Since last I wrote, life seems to be swinging like a pendulum. Or shifting like continental plates. Or how about hanging at the ocean edge and a sneaker wave grabs me. Good, bad, indifferent... life lessons, all growing opportunities if my perspective is right... how often is it right?
HONESTY?

I need to collect my thoughts, so I may venture to write more without "freaking people out." (as my son so eloquently states it.)

'Til my thoughts are collected... PEACE, LOVE and MAZEL TOV!

funk and all that jazz

Terrible spaces of

anger

hurt

confusion

I put myself out there, only to feel left- figuratively. Just a whine session here, where I dare not spill it to anyone in particular, I spill it in "generalisms". Sure, probably doesn't say much for my state of mind, save that I'm confused, hurt and a touch of angry. Haven't said enough, I've said too much.

They say, "That's life!"
We're born into this world with no book of rules
Welcome to the hard knock school
They say, "That's life!"
- Parlotones

Summary

Felt like writing some profound words this morning, only to say... yeah, not so much. I have thought of and mulled over my dream from last night, only to come to one thought... God knows, He cares and I didn't even have to utter one word.

Just sharing and nothing more.

I had a dream last night. Not a spectacular dream. Not a scary dream. A sad dream. I was in church, listening to Pastor Ken's sermon. Twas relevant and I was appreciative, but it wasn't the penetrating kind, until his eyes swelled with tears and he looked directly at me. He looked at me with his heart searching, concerned eyes and said "yes, Elizabeth, I am speaking to you. I know. You feel at times your life is worth nothing, you feel you are worthless, and you want to take your own life. You don't know your importance. My heart aches for you." I've always saw PK as a father figure, I look to him as I had looked to my own father as a child. I felt as a lost child that was noticed in that very moment.

Dave woke me up.

That's something to ponder, eh? I'll share in this blog that I have these spells when Dave looks at me funny then asks "Are you okay, are you angry with me?" Usually when he asks my face has an odd cast to it. I have just had a flash of something, a picture if you will, the thought of a razor or a swan dive off a bridge into undisturbed water... these aren't something I conger up, but literally something that pops in my head and when Dave crosses that look, it's me being annoyed and trying to rid myself of such a thought. Yes, I am a depressed creature during these funky fall months, but I don't think I could do such a thing, why do these annoyances infiltrate my mind???!!!

On the day before my birthday some dear friends surprised me with a dinner. There was a pause in our conversation and was asked what I anticipated for the up coming year... my answer... to be mentally healthy. The tears came.

Halo
Remember those walls I built
Well, baby they're tumbling down
And they didn't even put up a fight
They didn't even make up a sound

I found a way to let you in
But I never really had a doubt
Standing in the light of your halo
I got my angel now

It's like I've been awakened
Every rule I had you breakin'
It's the risk that I'm takin'
I ain't never gonna shut you out

Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace

You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won't fade away

Hit me like a ray of sun
Burning through my darkest night
You're the only one that I want
Think I'm addicted to your light

I swore I'd never fall again
But this don't even feel like falling
Gravity can't forget
To pull me back to the ground again

Feels like I've been awakened
Every rule I had you breakin'
The risk that I'm takin'
I'm never gonna shut you out

Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace

You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won't fade away

Time of Your Life Another turning point; a fork stuck in the road. Time grabs you by the wrist; directs you where to go. So make the best of this test and don't ask why. It's not a question but a lesson learned in time. It's something unpredictable but in the end it's right. I hope you had the time of your life. So take the photographs and still frames in your mind. Hang it on a shelf In good health and good time. Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial. For what it's worth, it was worth all the while. It's something unpredictable but in the end it's right. I hope you had the time of your life.

another dream

Had a crazy dream last night...

I was living in a house where there was so much chaos. People fighting, coming and going, there were floods and earthquakes going on outside. Inside the house were so many people living, really hard to say who all was there. I was in my bedroom when this little knock came upon my door. Someone asked who it was and the small voice answered... "This is Jimmy". In strode a boy with platinum blond hair and little chubby cheeks... he couldn't have been more than four or five. He came in holding 5 grubby photos in his hand. I knew him (but really I don't). He was obviously upset and had been crying trying to figure something out.

I was pleading with him to tell me what was wrong. He said he was afraid. I asked about what and this is when he started showing me his photos. The first was essentially blank with a border. The second was just of him. The third was of him and his brother, when his brother was just an infant. The fourth was him holding his brother a little older than an infant. The fifth was of him and his brother playing a little older. He said... I'm afraid I'm losing my brother, I'm forgetting him. He started sobbing. He said, I know my brother is safe, but I miss him and I'm forgetting him. I cannot see his face or hear his voice anymore. He's gone and I'm here. We started weeping together. We had a conversation and I held him until I saw his countenance change and he had a grasp of what the truth of it all was.

I asked him if he'd be willing to share his truth with some peeps I loved dearly, he said yes. I lead him down the hallway. We stood together knocking on a very ornately carved heavy wood door. We heard laughter from the other side and someone said we could come in. There on the bed were Will and Joe... grown up and laughing and smashing each other in the face, messing around. They both sat up when we came in... they were still laughing, but then Joe's face became very serious, while Will was still smiling away.

I asked Jimmy to share... he said to them- "I was once afraid of losing my brother. He died yesterday. We were jumping on the bed when it happened and then he got hurt and all of a sudden he was gone. I was afraid I was going to lose him. To forget him, his voice, his laugh. I want him back now, but I know The God who brought the people out of Egypt, The God from the beginning of time... that is where he's at and I will be with him again."

I woke abruptly from this dream...

anger angry angrier

This has been quite the week... when is it that I decide I've had enough? I don't. I move on... but oh, the temptation just to throw that towel in. Boot straps? I have none. A painted smile? Hmmm... yeah, that washed away. I wonder what it is that short circuits in my brain? What is my malfunction? "It could be worse!" Yes, I know, but I really feel this crazy desire to run off, disappear, go running like some crazy woman screaming down the street. I want to smoosh a piece of pizza in my hands and hurl it at a wall. I want to go and get all tattooed and pierced. (OH, I did that already) I want to breathe without that breath hitching in my throat. I want my heart to beat without all of a sudden going into a frantic rhythm. Numb, numb would be easier... I guess I really don't want easier.

And then... I smile. I find a moment that has nothing to do with anything and I can breathe. I'm not overwhelmed and everything that I've committed to holds joy and purpose. I can see passed the whines, the cries, the stress, the homework, to do list and schedules, my own feelings of solitude/ insignificance/ unworthiness.

And do you know what this is??? This is the ranting of someone who has tried taking life into her own hands. This is a crap place to be... so now it is time to find the path that I wandered from. Lord, help me!!!